Humor

A.S.S.A. Bottom of the Well Water

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First of all, what the *Navi* are you people doing on Zelda Blog right now?! Its midnight! The New Year! Out with the old, in with the new and all that. Get out there and watch the ball drop or something.

But since you are here, you might as well read my article.

As everyone knows, the Bottom of the Well is an essential part of Ocarina of Time. It houses the legendary Lens of Truth which is needed to complete the Shadow Temple.

Now I’m not one to criticize the hiding place of such a magical artifact. After all, who would ever think about searching for treasure at the bottom of a well. For one it (was) flooded. Two it was hidden within a simple tomb. And three it was guarded by dozens of undead.

There’s just one little thing that’s bothering me.

DID ANYONE REALIZE THEY WERE DRINKING THIS WATER?!

With that intro, I welcome you to another edition of A Somewhat Serious Article. This edition takes a look at BOTTOM OF THE WELL WATER.

As most of you know, when Bongo Bongo attacks Kakariko Village, Link needs to enter the Shadow Temple to dispatch him. One of the most essential items needed in that temple is the Lens of Truth. After talking with a few of the residents, Link discovers from the windmill dude that some kid drained the well 7 years ago.

3 hours of pondering later, Link finally realizes that kid was him, and sets off to the past. He enters the windmill, plays the song of storms and drains the well. Entering the bottom of the well, he is immediately attacked by a ReDead.

Let’s stop and think about this for a second. Please repeat the phrase out loud: “he is immediately attacked by a ReDead”. Read it again. “he is immediately attacked by a ReDead”. Try it even slower. “heeeee isssss immeeeeeediately attacked by a ReeeeeDead”.

The point?

What in the blue blazing *Navi* is a ReDead doing at the bottom of a well?! Actually, what in the blue blazing *Navi* is dozens of ReDeads, with baddies surrounding a freaking TOMB, doing at the bottom of a well?! I’m pretty sure that various undead minions that have been rotting for decades would be pretty unhealthy if it happened to contaminate the drinking water of an entire town.

Wait…..

Before I get any remarks that “they could have just drank from the stream” let me ask you this.

You’re sleeping quite peacefully in the middle of the night when you’re awakened by your little sister. She’s tired, cranky and wants some water. There’s a glass of clean water within arms reach. Assuming there is nothing wrong with this glass, is there anyone in the history of the world that would walk down two flights of stairs, grab another cup, turn on the faucet, and get water that way?

Now picture the same scenario, only in Kakariko Village. I’m not hiking down to a stream if there’s a well right there.

Well maybe I would if I knew beforehand what was in the water.

So just to throw this out there, was absolutely no one aware about this? And if they were, was no one disgusted enough to do something about it?

If you ask me, I think the Sage of Shadow should take the blame for this one. Just because Impa was working at the castle it doesn’t relieve her of her responsibilities. Maybe she’ll do something about it when the whole *Naving* town turns into ReDeads.

So what is the point of the article? Simple. I think that Windmill guy shouldn’t be so cranky that the well is dry in the future. For all we know, Link saved him from a horrible life of eternal undeath. Maybe in the future the residents will learn something from this, and won’t drill a well right next to the air vent of a century old tomb.

Besides I don’t want to inspect my water every time I take a drink. I think the residents should be glad in way that there was nothing worse in the well.

And no, I don’t know what would be worse than a ReDead in your drinking water.

So, if you’re going to make any New Year’s resolution for 2006, I would suggest that you take some time and double check the water you’re drinking. Who knows, your next sip could be your last.

And at last the New Year is upon us. Let’s sit back, raise our glasses of freshly drawn well water and toast to the New Year. Let us hope that 2006 brings us all that we expect: Twilight Princess, the Revolution, a great year at Zelda Blog, ReDead free drinking water, and of course more excellent editions of A Somewhat Serious Article.

I am Not a Womanizer

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As a quick aside before the metafiction*, my lawyers have obligated that I mention the following:

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This post has been known to cause cancer in laboratory Cuccos. This post may not be good for your health and contains the chemical mockery dramatica, which can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, prolonged sickness, and blindness. Please read with caution.

That said, if you’re convinced this post may be right for you, enjoy.

* Metafiction (noun) – Fiction, especially fanfiction, that physically breaks the rules and laws governing the world were the fiction takes place and transcends into the “real world” (also known as breaking the fourth wall), mixing elements from the real world and the fictional world into one. Not to be confused with A/U (alternate universe).

~~~

It was Saturday night, and the last remnants of the sunlight soon would be fading from view. It was going to be the perfect night, Link knew. Most of his friends from high school would soon be over for the end of the year party, and they were going to set off the night with a bang. Link looked through the rooms of his home, and saw that everything was in order. The food was on the table, the decorations were up, and the TV was tuned to Rauru Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.

With everything in order, and it still being fifteen minutes shy of six o’clock, Link found himself with nothing left to do. It had been a long time since that had happened considering all of the tests that had been shoved upon him in the last days of school before the break, the last-minute Christmas shopping, and the oodles of holiday meals he had been forced to attend with family. With a moment finally just to himself, Link bounded upstairs to his room and flipped on the computer, booting up with the famous Door of Time XP operating system. In a moment, Link was into his E-mail, and to his horror, what should have been the perfect night slowly began to unravel.

“‘Hey Link,’” Link said, reading the mail aloud. It was from Darunia, one of his good friends, and ironically one of only two other guys Link had bothered to invite to the party. Most of the other guys at school were boring chaps with very little to say, and they tended to repeat themselves whenever Link spoke to them, as if speaking down to Link as though he couldn’t understand. It drove Link crazy.

Link continued reading, this time in silence. “I’m writing to let you know that I can’t make it tonight. The other Link, you know, the third grader I’m mentoring in Big Gorons Big Zoras program? Well, his family invited me over for New Year’s, so I can’t make it tonight. But that’s not why I’m writing, really.

“Are you aware that the kids at school are saying things about you behind your back? None of our friends, so don’t jump to conclusions, but you know the random people in the hallways who stare at us as we pass by in the halls? It’s them. They’ve made an entire website about you… and all of us! It’s crazy! I thought I would point you to some of them. Read this one here; it’s the ‘best’ one of the lot …”

Link was horrified by the information, but it was far from what he should have felt. He followed the link to the website Darunia had mentioned, and lo and behold, the atrocity of a story about himself appeared before his eyes. There it was in the text; someone had indeed written about him, as well as several of his friends, but Link was the “star” here. Oh he was quite the star, appearing to be the role of a complete moron with a penchant for the ladies. He looked at the other links, and they went from bad to worse. In each one of the sultry fictions, Link managed to seduce this woman or that woman, sometimes failing to do so because of obvious inexperience, sometimes succeeding in achieving the only goal his mind could possibly have, to get into some girl’s pants. It made Link want to bleed at the eyes, and his stomach lurched at the accusations.

“Hello!? Li-iiiink!?” came a sing-songy voice. Link finally pulled away from the computer screen and turned to see his best friend Zelda standing in the doorway. Link looked at the clock briefly; five minutes to six, early as usual. She could always be counted on for that primness and promptness; she was always a harsh stickler to the rules of societal etiquette. It was hardly a surprise that she was wearing the clothes a businessman would wear; formality was big with her. “Here I come, expecting to find a party, and what do I find? You stuck on the computer like some nerd!” Her tone was jovial and hardly accusatory, yet it managed to get on Link’s nerves regardless, and his face darkened visibly, a fact Zelda managed to notice. “Oh c’mon, I was joking, and you should know that. Let’s head downstairs and get this party started.”

“It’s too late. The night is completely ruined.”

“Whatever are you talking about, Link? Yesterday you were so eager to have this thing, and now look…”

“Just take a look, Zel.” Link scooted over on his chair, offering Zelda half of the seat.

Zelda sighed yet took Link’s generous offer, staring at the stories that had been written about Link. She read through them silently, without uttering a word, her passiveness almost agitating. She would pass through page after page of it, finishing each without comment. Finally after finishing, she merely shrugged her shoulders. “So?”

“What do you mean, ‘So?’” Link said loudly, his anger rising. “They’re making up stories about me!”

“Whoop-de-doo. Who cares about what everyone else thinks, Link? It’s not like anyone else matters! You’re a senior in high school, for Nayru’s sake! You’re telling me you’re still worried about what the other kids think about you?”

“No!”

“Then act like it.”

“But, but…”

Thankfully, Link was saved another scolding from Zelda, for at that moment, the rest of his friends had arrived and were already noisily bounding their way up the stairs. Within moments, Ruto, Malon, Ganondorf, and Navi were all in Link’s room, oohing mockingly about Link and Zelda being in the same room together, to which Zelda gave a stiff cold shoulder.

“HEY, guys!” Navi had said in a high-pitched squeal. “So LISTEN, you two have just got to get back together and get married some day! Come on, show us a little kiss, huh huh huh?” Zelda and Link just rolled their eyes in unison and, once again, annoyed Navi’s suggestion.

Wondering what was keeping them occupied in front of the computer, Link pointed them to the stories.

“Ahahaha!” cried Ganondorf as he read them. “That is hilarious! You’re a womanizer, Link!”

“I am not a womanizer!” Link said defensively.

“Oh that’s a bunch of bull, Link!” Ganondorf said. His voice calmed down slightly, the laughter gone, but he was still visibly amused. “Almost all of your friends are girls! And you’ve dated a good several of them! Of course everyone is going to think that!”

“But it’s not tr—”

“Oh Din,” Malon suddenly muttered, her eyes glued to the screen. “I’m in here too. Look at this one.” She pointed to a new window on the screen, showing list of stories written depicting her as a selfish woman who was nearly constantly green with envy. “I’m not like this at all!” she said. “I don’t get jealous whatsoever! Especially not over Link! What are these people talking about!?”

“We’re all in here,” realized Navi, who was already reading another window that Malon had made for her. “And apparently I’m some annoying nag… and oh stars… I have a crush on Link too. I mean…” she quickly backpedaled, “here… in the story… Link… marriage… thing…” In an instant she ran out of the room and into the bathroom.

“And I’m a pompous and arrogant jerk apparently,” said Ruto in a blatant huff. “The nerve of them doing that. I’m going to tell Mumsy and Dadsy when I get home, and they’ll take care of those nasty baby-heads for me. Hmph!”

“Look here, Ganny,” Link suddenly said, almost having a good time now that other people were getting razzed on as well. Ganondorf, so far, had been paying no attention to what had been going on, still humoured over the stories about Link. However, in a moment, his ears were perched on Link’s every word. “Here’s some really bad story about you being this complete bully, bossing everyone around. He doesn’t do any of that, does he, guys?”

“You shut up!” he said, and in lightning movement, Ganondorf shoved Link off the chair to read the story. “That is a complete crock! How dare those morons write that stuff about me! They will pay for having done that… oh yes they will.”

“Honestly,” Zelda piped in once more, her voice still admonishing in tone, “I don’t see why you care. It’s complete and utter nonsense. Just blow those guys off.”

“I think you’ll think differently, princess,” Ganondorf said, “when you see that they’ve called you some transvestite male who is into guy-love. Oh man, that one just isn’t right… My eyes…”

“WHAT!?” Zelda stormed once again to the computer, reading the latest story. “For the love of Nayru, what does it matter that I dressed up for Halloween as a guy for seven years in a row!? And I don’t exactly like wearing a dress either, so who would dare have the gall to call me a boy!? That’s it, guys, we’re all going to take them down. Right now. We have names, we have a school directory… those guys are going to pay. Let’s go get them!”

“Right!” they all cried, at least everyone except Link and Malon. Suddenly, it was Zelda leading the charge, leading the lot down the stairs and out the door, as if she were guiding a host of heroes onwards to some sort of gallant quest to defeat the six monsters who had taken over their lives.

Link and Malon watched blankly as everyone else left the house in a frenzied rage. Honestly, it was New Year’s Eve, and they were supposed to be celebrating. Stunned into silence, the barely moved a muscle for the better part of a minute, still coming to grips with the grim events of the evening.

Finally, Link shrugged, deciding it wasn’t worth complaining about. He looked over to Malon, a smile coming to his lips. “So… Mal… you want to go make out?”

Malon turned to Link, and a sly smile came to her lips as well. Finally, Zelda, no longer will you be able to tell me you know Link better because you went out with him a long time ago! “Okay, I’m game.”

“Well then, babe, come to Linky-bear.”

~~~

Remember kids, only you can prevent fanfiction fires.

A.S.S.A. – Know Your ReDead

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I didn’t plan for this article to come out around Halloween. I don’t even celebrate it. But it’s an odd coincidence that this one happened to be the next one on my list.

I have found that most people walk around blissfully unaware of what to do if they are attacked by a ReDead. A new poll done in my head shows that 91% of all people would be eaten by a ReDead within the first few hours of Ganon’s rise to power. Therefore, I have compiled some useful information in this edition of A Somewhat Serious Article: KNOW YOUR REDEAD.

Background
ReDeads are simply reanimated people that have been returned to life thanks to Ganon’s power. Being a corpse and all, ReDead’s generally have the appearance of decomposed brown skin, and an emotionless face that lacks eyes and teeth.

Regarding Food
ReDeads are stupid. But that doesn’t stop them from eating. Hence when you approach them, they will emit a high pitched scream that have you frozen in fear. The scream reaches around 20KHZ and upwards, causing pain to any normal human or hylian. Analysis indicates that the sound that is emitted is either the scream of a banshee or the song “Believe” by Cher.

When the prey is immobilized, ReDeads take their time walking toward you, in which case the smart ones will “get the *Navi* out of there”. Those that are more inclined to see what the ReDead is up to, will get jumped on and eaten. Do NOT be one of those people.

Survival
Now that you know what they are, its time for you to learn how to survive. Here are a few tips that you should do if you suspect ReDeads to be approaching soon.

1. Spend your childhood growing up in a forest being the only child that ages. When the time comes, pull out the Master Sword and wait 7 years. Use as necessary.

2. (Females Only) Become the Princess of Hyrule. Suspect a plot within the castle BUT TELL ONLY ANOTHER CHILD. When the time is right, have your nursemaid flee with you from the castle and learn the ways of the Sheikah.

3. Become a ReDead yourself.

For those of you that can’t or don’t want to do any of the three, here is some practical advice to aid your survival:

Weapons
Obviously, you are going to need some sort of weapon if you plan to continue living. If you’re the strong, muscular type, go with a sword, preferably enchanted to combat the forces of evil. If not, a broken table leg will do fine.

If you’re the ranged kind of person, you’re going to want a bow and some fire arrows. Head over to Lake Hylia and shoot a normal arrow into the sun. Pick up the one that comes back. Repeat.

Location
This is also important. You want to hide in someplace that ReDeads won’t be. Here are a few places you do NOT want to find yourself in:

Ganon’s Tower
Hyrule Market (What’s left of it)
Graveyards
Tombs (No matter how cool they may seem)
Ikana Canyon
The Shadow Temple
Any Sort of Temple
Any Sort of Dungeon
Lost
Hyrule Field at Night
Bottom of the Well (For whatever reason you have)
Bars (You need to keep your wits about you. You can’t do that if you’re drunk)

Overall Strategy
It’ll be a long seven years before the Hero of Time comes and clears everything up. You’re going to have to stay sharp if you want to survive. If after all my advice you STILL get grabbed, struggle valiantly and try to escape. Remember, no one ever achieved anything by staying still and getting eaten.

Always carry your sword/bow/rock/plank around. Travel with people who know their way around Hyrule, and capture a few fairies just incase. Keep you head about you and you should be happy, safe, and ReDead free.

And finally, NEVER underestimate the ReDead’s ability to freeze you in your place. You may have trained yourself to withstand their screams, but they will always find a way to cause you pain.

I think that speaks for itself, as we once again come to the end of A Somewhat Serious Article.

A.S.S.A. – Destroyer of Worlds

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Today I am writing on what is undoubtedly the most powerful weapon in the entire series. This weapon can quite easily be the plague of society, leveling complete cities and wiping out whole civilizations. “But what is this all powerful weapon?” you ask. The Hookshot? No. The Light Arrow? No. The Legendary Master Sword, Bane of all Evil? No.

The Boomerang from Link’s Awakening.

Surprising isn’t it. You would expect a weapon of such power to be at least a sword or something. But it isn’t. It’s this child’s toy found in a cave along the beach of Koholint Island. Yes it’s this boomerang that spells doom of people everywhere. That’s the topic of todays edition of A Somewhat Serious Article: DESTROYER OF WORLDS

First off, boomerangs have never been realistic in the Zelda games to start with. For one those stupid things can some how always find their way back to Link. It doesn’t matter if he moves or not. They always return to him.

Now I have tried throwing boomerangs before, both the two armed and three armed kind. For one, I have never gotten the distance that Link achieves in the games. Second of all, I can’t even throw it fast enough to stun a full grown Octocrok. And third, they don’t return to me if I move a few steps to the left or the right.

But again the world of Hyrule is a wonderful place, full of magic, fairies and great princes of evil. Therefore let’s overlook this curiosity and observe at how boomerangs would work normally in the Zelda world.

In the Zelda world, boomerangs when thrown will return to its owner no matter where he/she is. Boomerangs can target multiple objects on its own, and can somehow carry enough kinetic energy to stun a Moblin. And if there’s something like glass between Link and the said boomerang, it will some how still return to Link through it.

Enter Link’s Awakening. The boomerang in this game follows the typical Zelda rules. Returns to owner, stuns enemies, yadda yadda yadda. What is different is its attacking power.

If you’ve played the game, you’ll know. Take out the boomerang when fighting the shadow dudes in the Wind Fish Egg. On the last transformation, (The weird looking one) aim the boomerang for the middle and throw. Boom. Game Over.

That’s it. Interesting huh? Has there been a final boss in the history of the world that has been defeated that fast?

There hasn’t. At least not to my knowledge. That’s what makes this boomerang a Zelda curiosity. If you know your physics you’ll know that the boomerang has to travel the distance to the enemy, transfer enough energy to make a killing blow, and STILL have the kinetic energy, and momentum to return to Link.

Possible? No. First off, the formula for kinetic energy is E=(mv^2)/2

E = energy
m = mass
v = velocity

With that equation there are only two ways that the boomerang can be insanely stronger than say the boomerangs from LoZ or LTTP. The boomerang is either incredibly heavy (mass), or Link is throwing with the speed of a space shuttle (velocity). Judging by the game, I think we can eliminate both of these.

So then, how is the boomerang so incredibly strong? Magic? That is one option. However another question arises. How does the boomerang stun some enemies, and then manage to kill the final boss in one hit? No, I don’t think magic can be the answer here either.

To quote Sherlock Holmes, “when the impossible has been eliminated, the residuum, however improbable, must contain the truth.” Meaning, since we’ve found everything the boomerang can’t do, the last explanation must be correct no matter how crazy it is.

Since the boomerang isn’t super heavy, thrown super fast, and finally not magical, there is only one option left. The final boss is simply a wuss. That’s right, a wuss. A creature made of complete darkness that is able to take direct sword blows to the head. Yet this dinky little wooden boomerang kills him in one hit. Heck, I’ve been hit in the head with a boomerang before and survived. By all means, I should be the final boss of Link’s Awakening.

Of course, that’s not to say that the boomerang isn’t special in its own way. If Link throws it while flying (Holding on to a cucco) it simply orbits Link forever, attacking everything in its path. It’s probably the only weapon that when used like that, can attack cuccos forever. That in itself makes it a pretty strong weapon.

Also…..Spoiler warning for those who haven’t played Link’s Awakening yet.

I mean it; don’t keep reading unless you’ve finished the game.

Anyway, even if the boss is a wuss, that boomerang still killed him off. That allowed the Wind Fish to awaken, and send Link back to Hyrule, destroying Koholint in the process. So it is in reality, Super Boomerang “Destroyer of Worlds”.

But then why would such a powerful weapon be hidden in a place where reading a simple library book would tell you its location. Also, why would the guy in the cave be so willing to trade it for a shovel? Was he so isolated in that cave that he never discovered its planet crushing powers? And another thing, why was he in the cave in the first place?

Ahhh, the more I think about this, the more my head hurts. My brain is spinning trying to figure this out, and I can even feel my immune system shutting down. On top of that I think I’m coming down with a cold. A cold brought on by writing, A Somewhat Serious Article.

A.S.S.A. – The Power Glove Conspiracy

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The following article is not for the light of heart. I’m warning you in this little blurb right now, so you don’t accidentally click the link and succumb to the horrors within. What I am about to reveal to you will be so shocking it will cause you to lie awake for hours questioning the very essence of Zelda itself. All because of this:

Those that are smart shouldn’t be reading this sentence right now. The rest of you have been warned.

As customary of A Somewhat Serious Article, I strive to bring out a point that no one else would care rupees about. But what I found not only startled me, it led me to question the very idea of how Link could save Hyrule.

Thus welcome to another Somewhat Serious Article, In this edition, I will be discussing THE POWER GLOVE CONSPIRACY.

Don’t blame me if you can’t sleep after this.

Behold the Power Glove. Thing of power and strength. It bestows its wearer with the strength of 500 Hylians. In “A Link to the Past” this glove is found in the second dungeon and allows Link to lift those huge green rocks that block his way.

Now I, like numerous Zelda fans before me, was completely engrossed in the game. Foolishly, I simply collected the glove and continued on, eager to show Ganon a bit of my pwnage skillz. It wasn’t until 6 years later that I finally realized the horrible truth.
Link only found ONE glove.

That’s right. On the screen, it says “Power GLOVE” singular. One glove, nothing more. Yet, walking out of that palace, Link picks walks right up to the closest green boulder and lifts it with BOTH hands.

Shocked yet? It gets much better. For those of you, who think Link is simply steadying the rock with his bare hand, try the following experiment:

Using an oven mitt, (Kids have your parents permission before you do this) walk to the closest bed you can find and lift it above your head just like Link does. Now steady the bed by just using your right hand and left thumb. Can you do it? Me neither.

Clearly, Link should be totally incapable of lifting something that huge even with the Power Glove. Overlooking this gross error, I decided to obtain the Titan Mitt. As I inched my way to through the dungeon, I hoped that this mitt would solve all the problems caused by the Power Glove. Instead it only made things much worse.

He only gets ONE mitt.

“But Darth” you say to your computer screen, “That solves the problem. He can wear the Power Glove on one hand and the Titan Mitt on the other. Quite, except for one problem.

They are both right handed gloves. It didn’t matter that Link has two gloves. Link is still forced to use one hand to lift all those boulders. Unless he turned one of the gloves inside out, which I’m sure would weaken him instead. But we’ll talk about that another time. The point is that Link, wearing only one glove Power or Titan, cannot lift those rocks. While he obviously does in the game, it is simply a gross error on the part of the programmers and game designers.

If Link in theory cannot lift those rocks, he can’t continue with his quest. Link would have never been able to travel to the Dark World. The Seven Maidens would have never been freed. Hyrule should have fallen into Ganon’s hands way before Ocarina of Time was made. All because Link found one glove instead of two, preventing him from ever entering Death Mountain.

I warned you this would scare you. If there is such a mistake with one item, what’s not to say there’s a mistake with other items? Is the Master Sword REALLY the sword of evils bane? Do Fire Arrows REALLY come from the sun? Does the Silver Scale REALLY let you stay underwater longer? And slowly the games begin to unwind themselves. The timeline is forever changed, and all hope of game continuity is lost.

Horrifying isn’t it? Everything you thought you knew about Zelda, fallen to absolute pieces. And don’t even get me started about this little picture from the Oracle Series: You Got The Power Glove Dialogue Box Zelda

So now you know the truth. Now you know the horrible secret of the Power Glove conspiracy. Everything you thought you knew about Zelda has been turned upside down. Something that no one else has ever seen has suddenly been forced into the light. And as the questions pour in; Nintendo can no longer deny this conspiracy. The kind of conspiracy you would expect, in A Somewhat Serious Article.