Ocarina of Time

A.S.S.A. Bottom of the Well Water

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First of all, what the *Navi* are you people doing on Zelda Blog right now?! Its midnight! The New Year! Out with the old, in with the new and all that. Get out there and watch the ball drop or something.

But since you are here, you might as well read my article.

As everyone knows, the Bottom of the Well is an essential part of Ocarina of Time. It houses the legendary Lens of Truth which is needed to complete the Shadow Temple.

Now I’m not one to criticize the hiding place of such a magical artifact. After all, who would ever think about searching for treasure at the bottom of a well. For one it (was) flooded. Two it was hidden within a simple tomb. And three it was guarded by dozens of undead.

There’s just one little thing that’s bothering me.

DID ANYONE REALIZE THEY WERE DRINKING THIS WATER?!

With that intro, I welcome you to another edition of A Somewhat Serious Article. This edition takes a look at BOTTOM OF THE WELL WATER.

As most of you know, when Bongo Bongo attacks Kakariko Village, Link needs to enter the Shadow Temple to dispatch him. One of the most essential items needed in that temple is the Lens of Truth. After talking with a few of the residents, Link discovers from the windmill dude that some kid drained the well 7 years ago.

3 hours of pondering later, Link finally realizes that kid was him, and sets off to the past. He enters the windmill, plays the song of storms and drains the well. Entering the bottom of the well, he is immediately attacked by a ReDead.

Let’s stop and think about this for a second. Please repeat the phrase out loud: “he is immediately attacked by a ReDead”. Read it again. “he is immediately attacked by a ReDead”. Try it even slower. “heeeee isssss immeeeeeediately attacked by a ReeeeeDead”.

The point?

What in the blue blazing *Navi* is a ReDead doing at the bottom of a well?! Actually, what in the blue blazing *Navi* is dozens of ReDeads, with baddies surrounding a freaking TOMB, doing at the bottom of a well?! I’m pretty sure that various undead minions that have been rotting for decades would be pretty unhealthy if it happened to contaminate the drinking water of an entire town.

Wait…..

Before I get any remarks that “they could have just drank from the stream” let me ask you this.

You’re sleeping quite peacefully in the middle of the night when you’re awakened by your little sister. She’s tired, cranky and wants some water. There’s a glass of clean water within arms reach. Assuming there is nothing wrong with this glass, is there anyone in the history of the world that would walk down two flights of stairs, grab another cup, turn on the faucet, and get water that way?

Now picture the same scenario, only in Kakariko Village. I’m not hiking down to a stream if there’s a well right there.

Well maybe I would if I knew beforehand what was in the water.

So just to throw this out there, was absolutely no one aware about this? And if they were, was no one disgusted enough to do something about it?

If you ask me, I think the Sage of Shadow should take the blame for this one. Just because Impa was working at the castle it doesn’t relieve her of her responsibilities. Maybe she’ll do something about it when the whole *Naving* town turns into ReDeads.

So what is the point of the article? Simple. I think that Windmill guy shouldn’t be so cranky that the well is dry in the future. For all we know, Link saved him from a horrible life of eternal undeath. Maybe in the future the residents will learn something from this, and won’t drill a well right next to the air vent of a century old tomb.

Besides I don’t want to inspect my water every time I take a drink. I think the residents should be glad in way that there was nothing worse in the well.

And no, I don’t know what would be worse than a ReDead in your drinking water.

So, if you’re going to make any New Year’s resolution for 2006, I would suggest that you take some time and double check the water you’re drinking. Who knows, your next sip could be your last.

And at last the New Year is upon us. Let’s sit back, raise our glasses of freshly drawn well water and toast to the New Year. Let us hope that 2006 brings us all that we expect: Twilight Princess, the Revolution, a great year at Zelda Blog, ReDead free drinking water, and of course more excellent editions of A Somewhat Serious Article.

I am Not a Womanizer

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As a quick aside before the metafiction*, my lawyers have obligated that I mention the following:

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This post has been known to cause cancer in laboratory Cuccos. This post may not be good for your health and contains the chemical mockery dramatica, which can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, prolonged sickness, and blindness. Please read with caution.

That said, if you’re convinced this post may be right for you, enjoy.

* Metafiction (noun) – Fiction, especially fanfiction, that physically breaks the rules and laws governing the world were the fiction takes place and transcends into the “real world” (also known as breaking the fourth wall), mixing elements from the real world and the fictional world into one. Not to be confused with A/U (alternate universe).

~~~

It was Saturday night, and the last remnants of the sunlight soon would be fading from view. It was going to be the perfect night, Link knew. Most of his friends from high school would soon be over for the end of the year party, and they were going to set off the night with a bang. Link looked through the rooms of his home, and saw that everything was in order. The food was on the table, the decorations were up, and the TV was tuned to Rauru Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.

With everything in order, and it still being fifteen minutes shy of six o’clock, Link found himself with nothing left to do. It had been a long time since that had happened considering all of the tests that had been shoved upon him in the last days of school before the break, the last-minute Christmas shopping, and the oodles of holiday meals he had been forced to attend with family. With a moment finally just to himself, Link bounded upstairs to his room and flipped on the computer, booting up with the famous Door of Time XP operating system. In a moment, Link was into his E-mail, and to his horror, what should have been the perfect night slowly began to unravel.

“‘Hey Link,’” Link said, reading the mail aloud. It was from Darunia, one of his good friends, and ironically one of only two other guys Link had bothered to invite to the party. Most of the other guys at school were boring chaps with very little to say, and they tended to repeat themselves whenever Link spoke to them, as if speaking down to Link as though he couldn’t understand. It drove Link crazy.

Link continued reading, this time in silence. “I’m writing to let you know that I can’t make it tonight. The other Link, you know, the third grader I’m mentoring in Big Gorons Big Zoras program? Well, his family invited me over for New Year’s, so I can’t make it tonight. But that’s not why I’m writing, really.

“Are you aware that the kids at school are saying things about you behind your back? None of our friends, so don’t jump to conclusions, but you know the random people in the hallways who stare at us as we pass by in the halls? It’s them. They’ve made an entire website about you… and all of us! It’s crazy! I thought I would point you to some of them. Read this one here; it’s the ‘best’ one of the lot …”

Link was horrified by the information, but it was far from what he should have felt. He followed the link to the website Darunia had mentioned, and lo and behold, the atrocity of a story about himself appeared before his eyes. There it was in the text; someone had indeed written about him, as well as several of his friends, but Link was the “star” here. Oh he was quite the star, appearing to be the role of a complete moron with a penchant for the ladies. He looked at the other links, and they went from bad to worse. In each one of the sultry fictions, Link managed to seduce this woman or that woman, sometimes failing to do so because of obvious inexperience, sometimes succeeding in achieving the only goal his mind could possibly have, to get into some girl’s pants. It made Link want to bleed at the eyes, and his stomach lurched at the accusations.

“Hello!? Li-iiiink!?” came a sing-songy voice. Link finally pulled away from the computer screen and turned to see his best friend Zelda standing in the doorway. Link looked at the clock briefly; five minutes to six, early as usual. She could always be counted on for that primness and promptness; she was always a harsh stickler to the rules of societal etiquette. It was hardly a surprise that she was wearing the clothes a businessman would wear; formality was big with her. “Here I come, expecting to find a party, and what do I find? You stuck on the computer like some nerd!” Her tone was jovial and hardly accusatory, yet it managed to get on Link’s nerves regardless, and his face darkened visibly, a fact Zelda managed to notice. “Oh c’mon, I was joking, and you should know that. Let’s head downstairs and get this party started.”

“It’s too late. The night is completely ruined.”

“Whatever are you talking about, Link? Yesterday you were so eager to have this thing, and now look…”

“Just take a look, Zel.” Link scooted over on his chair, offering Zelda half of the seat.

Zelda sighed yet took Link’s generous offer, staring at the stories that had been written about Link. She read through them silently, without uttering a word, her passiveness almost agitating. She would pass through page after page of it, finishing each without comment. Finally after finishing, she merely shrugged her shoulders. “So?”

“What do you mean, ‘So?’” Link said loudly, his anger rising. “They’re making up stories about me!”

“Whoop-de-doo. Who cares about what everyone else thinks, Link? It’s not like anyone else matters! You’re a senior in high school, for Nayru’s sake! You’re telling me you’re still worried about what the other kids think about you?”

“No!”

“Then act like it.”

“But, but…”

Thankfully, Link was saved another scolding from Zelda, for at that moment, the rest of his friends had arrived and were already noisily bounding their way up the stairs. Within moments, Ruto, Malon, Ganondorf, and Navi were all in Link’s room, oohing mockingly about Link and Zelda being in the same room together, to which Zelda gave a stiff cold shoulder.

“HEY, guys!” Navi had said in a high-pitched squeal. “So LISTEN, you two have just got to get back together and get married some day! Come on, show us a little kiss, huh huh huh?” Zelda and Link just rolled their eyes in unison and, once again, annoyed Navi’s suggestion.

Wondering what was keeping them occupied in front of the computer, Link pointed them to the stories.

“Ahahaha!” cried Ganondorf as he read them. “That is hilarious! You’re a womanizer, Link!”

“I am not a womanizer!” Link said defensively.

“Oh that’s a bunch of bull, Link!” Ganondorf said. His voice calmed down slightly, the laughter gone, but he was still visibly amused. “Almost all of your friends are girls! And you’ve dated a good several of them! Of course everyone is going to think that!”

“But it’s not tr—”

“Oh Din,” Malon suddenly muttered, her eyes glued to the screen. “I’m in here too. Look at this one.” She pointed to a new window on the screen, showing list of stories written depicting her as a selfish woman who was nearly constantly green with envy. “I’m not like this at all!” she said. “I don’t get jealous whatsoever! Especially not over Link! What are these people talking about!?”

“We’re all in here,” realized Navi, who was already reading another window that Malon had made for her. “And apparently I’m some annoying nag… and oh stars… I have a crush on Link too. I mean…” she quickly backpedaled, “here… in the story… Link… marriage… thing…” In an instant she ran out of the room and into the bathroom.

“And I’m a pompous and arrogant jerk apparently,” said Ruto in a blatant huff. “The nerve of them doing that. I’m going to tell Mumsy and Dadsy when I get home, and they’ll take care of those nasty baby-heads for me. Hmph!”

“Look here, Ganny,” Link suddenly said, almost having a good time now that other people were getting razzed on as well. Ganondorf, so far, had been paying no attention to what had been going on, still humoured over the stories about Link. However, in a moment, his ears were perched on Link’s every word. “Here’s some really bad story about you being this complete bully, bossing everyone around. He doesn’t do any of that, does he, guys?”

“You shut up!” he said, and in lightning movement, Ganondorf shoved Link off the chair to read the story. “That is a complete crock! How dare those morons write that stuff about me! They will pay for having done that… oh yes they will.”

“Honestly,” Zelda piped in once more, her voice still admonishing in tone, “I don’t see why you care. It’s complete and utter nonsense. Just blow those guys off.”

“I think you’ll think differently, princess,” Ganondorf said, “when you see that they’ve called you some transvestite male who is into guy-love. Oh man, that one just isn’t right… My eyes…”

“WHAT!?” Zelda stormed once again to the computer, reading the latest story. “For the love of Nayru, what does it matter that I dressed up for Halloween as a guy for seven years in a row!? And I don’t exactly like wearing a dress either, so who would dare have the gall to call me a boy!? That’s it, guys, we’re all going to take them down. Right now. We have names, we have a school directory… those guys are going to pay. Let’s go get them!”

“Right!” they all cried, at least everyone except Link and Malon. Suddenly, it was Zelda leading the charge, leading the lot down the stairs and out the door, as if she were guiding a host of heroes onwards to some sort of gallant quest to defeat the six monsters who had taken over their lives.

Link and Malon watched blankly as everyone else left the house in a frenzied rage. Honestly, it was New Year’s Eve, and they were supposed to be celebrating. Stunned into silence, the barely moved a muscle for the better part of a minute, still coming to grips with the grim events of the evening.

Finally, Link shrugged, deciding it wasn’t worth complaining about. He looked over to Malon, a smile coming to his lips. “So… Mal… you want to go make out?”

Malon turned to Link, and a sly smile came to her lips as well. Finally, Zelda, no longer will you be able to tell me you know Link better because you went out with him a long time ago! “Okay, I’m game.”

“Well then, babe, come to Linky-bear.”

~~~

Remember kids, only you can prevent fanfiction fires.

A Little Bit of Malon by My Side…

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<off -topic>
Of all the things that Zelda Blog was supposed to be, the last thing that I expected it to be was the inspiration for another website. What mayhem have I unleased now?
</off-topic>

Ocarina of Time is perhaps the most loved of all the Zelda series. For a lot of people, it remains the pinnacle of the entire series, the best that Miyamoto & Co. have so far provided. The bulk of the fanfiction that you find out on the web has its roots embedded in Ocarina, and most discussion of history has to include the game somewhere. It’s a general truthhood, a lot like Godwin’s Law, that the longer an online discussion about Zelda becomes, the greater the chances that Ocarina is bound to come up at some point.

The reasons that this game surpassed its predecessors—and overachieved its descendants—are so numerous that it would be virtually impossible to cover them all in a single blog post. Let’s face it; Ocarina was much different than its previous incarnations, and not just because of the 3-D world, either. Most of the reasons have a little bit to do with how much “disk space” they physically had. On the Nintendo 64, Nintendo had a little bit of breathing room (with regards to cartridge sizes) to really expand Hyrule as we knew it. They had the ability to put in a lot of story elements in-game (rather than within the manual) that were largely missing from the earlier Zeldas. Text was an expensive commodity before those days; it’s why we never found out in A Link to the Past that “Zelda is your… …” destiny, and it’s no wonder the original Legend of Zelda had such comments like “EASTMOST PENINSULA IS SECRET”. (At least we can say that it had better English that Zero Wing. Could you imagine it otherwise? The old man would be spouting off, “EAST LAND ARE TREASURE HAPPY”!)

But the advent of expanded text didn’t just bring about gallant strides in plot. Finally, for the first time, we had massive leaps in characterization of the NPCs. Before Ocarina, the only characters that truly were dynamic entities were Sahasrahla from A Link to the Past and Marin from Link’s Awakening, and some wouldn’t even count the first since technically he mostly only gave hints via telepathy. When Ocarina of Time came to the forefront, suddenly things were much different. You had tons of notable (and named!) characters, each with a very distinct personality. Most of the characters that were fleshed out were of the female variety, and it didn’t take the fans long to notice this, either. We can only be thankful Lou Bega didn’t come out with his smash hit a year earlier or all we’d ever have heard on the forums would be:

A little bit of Saria in my life
A little bit of Malon by my side
A little bit of Zelda is all I need
A little bit of Impa is what I see
A little bit of Fado in the sun
A little bit of Nabooru all night long
A little bit of Ruto here I am
A little bit of you makes me your man.

When fans weren’t having Link be the Don Juan with all the girls, the rest were arguing senselessly over who the best person for Link was. I actually remember a long time ago fighting in the trenches of the United Sageshipper Army. (That’s Link/Zelda, for those who haven’t heard the term.) Our enemies were the Ranchshipper’s Contingent (Link/Malon), and the ground in between was no man’s land, the place where explosive posts blew up, argumentative rockets were launched, and insults made out of barbed wire rested. Occasionally, you had a third party come in, ready to conquer the world, and for a single blessed moment, the two sides would sign a hasty peace accord, completely decimate the newcomer, and then North and South Vietnam were at it again.

Since then, I’ve grown up… a little bit. And I’ve learned from my mistaken ways. No longer is Malon the hated gal that she used to be. In fact, I see a lot of who I am embodied within Malon: passionate and dedicated worker, loyal and caring friend, idle dreamer, and a believer in true love. (Anyone who makes fun of me for that will get a nice one of these: ) You don’t even need to go all the way to the manga to see it (although it’s much more prevalent there).

But seriously, why is there all the hatred towards all the “competition” in the game? I will admit, not every girl is the ideal match for every fan. Even Miyamoto, perfect as he is, isn’t that perfect. Though I like Nabooru as a character, I certainly don’t see myself marrying a Nabooru lookalike; nevertheless, I’ve come to respect Nabooru as a character (and the entire Gerudo race as a whole, as well). Each character that has come to have a strong personality in the Zelda series, I think, has his or her definite good points and moments. Even Ganondorf has redeemed himself largely from his monologue at the end of Wind Waker. We can argue whether Zelda and Malon is a better love interest for Link until the cows come to Lon Lon Ranch, but with Link being rather secretive of his own emotions, with thousands of potential characterizations for Link, can there honestly ever be a distinct winner?

While shipping wars have long been a mainstay of the modern Zelda community and have been a small force in keeping the community active and interested, I think the time to bury the hatchet is long overdue. It’s not that we shouldn’t ever debate the issue, but I think all of us need to find out that it isn’t bad to have “a little bit of Malon by our sides.”

Who’s The Master Quester Now?

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As I sit here at my computer and I gaze over the lovely vision of all my games within about 10 feet of where I’m sitting, I can’t help but see my GameCube copy of Ocarina of Time. I suddenly remember that, yes, Virginia, there is another version of Ocarina. It’s the version that hardly gets any talk about it because, let’s face it, it wasn’t a new game for all intents and purposes. It was a remix in the classic sense of the term, a copy of an existing game with everything changed, throwing you for a loop in the process because nothing is the way you remember it. The experience feels like a warm blanket in its similarities, yet at the same time you feel as if the game has tossed you out of your house without your key on a cold winter night when you encounter one of those glaring differences.

I am going to be blunt on this one, because it deserves to be said: Master Quest did bring some nice curse words out of me, although it hardly held a candle to what Super Mario Sunshine managed to pull out of me. (My save file for that game has not one shine more than the minimum required to beat the game, and it will forever stay that way.) At every turn throughout Master Quest, whenever I managed to solve a puzzle, the thought once again came to me: “This isn’t how I did it back in Ocarina.” Of course, it was Nintendo’s every intention to do something so cockamamy backwards, but I was completely surprised at just how much they were able to change the game even though the dungeons were inherently the same maps, rooms, and layouts as its predecessor… just with a completely different set of physics. Yet in all actuality, the real mystery of Master Quest has very little to do with this but is something else entirely.

My roommate and I are very big fans of Zelda (even though we differ quite a bit in our taste for games). He started before me way back with the original Legend of Zelda whereas I started playing with A Link to the Past, but that’s still “way back then” to most people. We had a contest with each other to see who could beat Majora’s Mask first. (He won. Not that I’m bitter that he had more time to play. Cough. ) We both enjoyed Wind Waker. (I beat him hands down on that one. Ha!) And we still both maintain that Zelda was best “back in the day,” both of us quickly becoming the “old geezers” in our fandom.

We both know Ocarina of Time nails; when faced with the Shadow Temple, we could probably navigate it blindfolded, with one arm tied behind our back, without the Biggoron Sword either. Yet when it came to Master Quest, we were thwarted at every angle. For those who have played the game, I’m sure you’ll remember on B1 of the Deku Tree the room with the spinning spiked log hovering above a pool of water with a lone platform gliding across it at the water’s surface. The Ocarina answer is to swim in the water, duck down, and press a switch that will lower the water’s level sufficiently to allow you to safely pass under the log. In Master Quest the switch doesn’t do this; instead, it creates a chest which doesn’t help you. Yay. The answer to this one is a sneaky one; instead, you have to (gasp!) simply duck down as you pass underneath the log, and you’ll clear it without a problem. It took my roommate and I four hours to figure this one out. (He discovered it first, not yours truly.)

However I have another friend who didn’t know who Zelda even was until after meeting us in college. She was a late bloomer into the whole Zelda thing; she didn’t play Ocarina until 2003, several years after it was released in ‘98; were she were to play the game again, she wouldn’t remember very much about it. She can’t beat A Link to the Past, I can’t remember her ever actually completing Majora’s Mask, and Wind Waker took her a long time to finish. Nevertheless, her time spent on the above puzzle: two minutes.

We were shocked. And after the shock, we were embarrassed and shamed back to our rooms to pout for the rest of the night. (Pity us. We deserve it.)

As she progressed, we kept taunting her whenever she approached the “difficult” puzzles. Our friend proceed through each one of them without difficulty (even solving the easy puzzles in a much more elegant way), and in no time at all, she had reached the end of Master Quest. We just looked at each other, and we said, “Nuh uh! I never thought of doing the puzzle that way!” While I can’t be absolutely certain about it, but I would reckon that she spent less time on Master Quest than either of us did individually. In short, the masters of Zelda were both severely pwned… by a non-master. (It was perhaps more humiliating than the time I watched the infamous Super Mario Bros. 3 speedrun in 11 minutes… while the player collected 99 lives in the process.)

Looking back on this, I have to chuckle a little bit at the experience. Master Quest really is a game that is meant to play with our minds and really make us think outside the box. All those puzzles that we thought we knew? Surprise! Zelda takes on an entirely different definition of difficulty, and just when you think you’ve got everything Zelda solidly under your belt, the next time is likely to completely revolutionize the way you think.

Twilight Princess may not be designed like Master Quest was, but at the same time, I really look forward to seeing just how that game will change the whole dynamic of the Zelda experience and structure. We may think we “know” Zelda; we have yet to realize that we haven’t a clue.