Games

A.S.S.A. Bottom of the Well Water

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First of all, what the *Navi* are you people doing on Zelda Blog right now?! Its midnight! The New Year! Out with the old, in with the new and all that. Get out there and watch the ball drop or something.

But since you are here, you might as well read my article.

As everyone knows, the Bottom of the Well is an essential part of Ocarina of Time. It houses the legendary Lens of Truth which is needed to complete the Shadow Temple.

Now I’m not one to criticize the hiding place of such a magical artifact. After all, who would ever think about searching for treasure at the bottom of a well. For one it (was) flooded. Two it was hidden within a simple tomb. And three it was guarded by dozens of undead.

There’s just one little thing that’s bothering me.

DID ANYONE REALIZE THEY WERE DRINKING THIS WATER?!

With that intro, I welcome you to another edition of A Somewhat Serious Article. This edition takes a look at BOTTOM OF THE WELL WATER.

As most of you know, when Bongo Bongo attacks Kakariko Village, Link needs to enter the Shadow Temple to dispatch him. One of the most essential items needed in that temple is the Lens of Truth. After talking with a few of the residents, Link discovers from the windmill dude that some kid drained the well 7 years ago.

3 hours of pondering later, Link finally realizes that kid was him, and sets off to the past. He enters the windmill, plays the song of storms and drains the well. Entering the bottom of the well, he is immediately attacked by a ReDead.

Let’s stop and think about this for a second. Please repeat the phrase out loud: “he is immediately attacked by a ReDead”. Read it again. “he is immediately attacked by a ReDead”. Try it even slower. “heeeee isssss immeeeeeediately attacked by a ReeeeeDead”.

The point?

What in the blue blazing *Navi* is a ReDead doing at the bottom of a well?! Actually, what in the blue blazing *Navi* is dozens of ReDeads, with baddies surrounding a freaking TOMB, doing at the bottom of a well?! I’m pretty sure that various undead minions that have been rotting for decades would be pretty unhealthy if it happened to contaminate the drinking water of an entire town.

Wait…..

Before I get any remarks that “they could have just drank from the stream” let me ask you this.

You’re sleeping quite peacefully in the middle of the night when you’re awakened by your little sister. She’s tired, cranky and wants some water. There’s a glass of clean water within arms reach. Assuming there is nothing wrong with this glass, is there anyone in the history of the world that would walk down two flights of stairs, grab another cup, turn on the faucet, and get water that way?

Now picture the same scenario, only in Kakariko Village. I’m not hiking down to a stream if there’s a well right there.

Well maybe I would if I knew beforehand what was in the water.

So just to throw this out there, was absolutely no one aware about this? And if they were, was no one disgusted enough to do something about it?

If you ask me, I think the Sage of Shadow should take the blame for this one. Just because Impa was working at the castle it doesn’t relieve her of her responsibilities. Maybe she’ll do something about it when the whole *Naving* town turns into ReDeads.

So what is the point of the article? Simple. I think that Windmill guy shouldn’t be so cranky that the well is dry in the future. For all we know, Link saved him from a horrible life of eternal undeath. Maybe in the future the residents will learn something from this, and won’t drill a well right next to the air vent of a century old tomb.

Besides I don’t want to inspect my water every time I take a drink. I think the residents should be glad in way that there was nothing worse in the well.

And no, I don’t know what would be worse than a ReDead in your drinking water.

So, if you’re going to make any New Year’s resolution for 2006, I would suggest that you take some time and double check the water you’re drinking. Who knows, your next sip could be your last.

And at last the New Year is upon us. Let’s sit back, raise our glasses of freshly drawn well water and toast to the New Year. Let us hope that 2006 brings us all that we expect: Twilight Princess, the Revolution, a great year at Zelda Blog, ReDead free drinking water, and of course more excellent editions of A Somewhat Serious Article.

Move Over Nostradamus

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Most people would believe that the experts on seeing into the future would be the fortune tellers in A Link to the Past or Ulrira from Link’s Awakening. However, players of the game who actually believe this malarkey are quite incorrect. It’s not that the fortune tellers and Ulrira don’t see in the future nor that they don’t do a particularly good job; no, they’re just what the doctor ordered when the warrior doesn’t know what to do next, and their advice about the future is worth its weight in rupees. The problem is, however, that they’re simply just not the best at it.

The true masters of the future and beyond are none other than the Bombers Gang. (Who’d you expect? Tingle?) The notebook that each of the Bombers carry is the proof in the pudding. Without their illustrious notebook, how else would Link have figured out just how to reunite Anju and Kafei? Just meeting someone told you whether or not that person needed help, even if they didn’t have the pride to say so, as well as precisely when he or she would need help. Even better, the Bomber’s knew about the upcoming destruction of Hyrule; their notebook had the next three days labelled “1st,” “2nd,” and “Final,” which tells us players that the Bombers Gang is a special cult for mediums and seers into the future. “There must have been some magic in that old notebook they found / for when they placed it in their hands, all the words just danced around.” (Sorry, I began writing this article well before Christmas, and I couldn’t pass up the chance to parody a carol! 🙂 )

We all know that 2006 is going to be an exciting year for the gaming community. The XBOX 360 is already out, and we should be seeing Sony come out with the PS3 as well as Nintendo with the Revolution sometime this year. This year we’ll see the first anniversary of the new fight between the Nintendo DS and the Sony PSP. And there’s also the promise of Twilight Princess coming out, so us as Zelda fans should be really pleased.

So I couldn’t help myself. I loaded up Majora’s Mask again. I had to see what the Bombers had to say about 2006. Unfortunately, all their book said was stuff about Anju, the Rosa Sisters, and *shudder* ???. I went to go yell at the Bombers for the obvious oversight in their notebook, but all they wanted to do was use a peashooter to pop a balloon and play hide and seek. So maybe the Bombers aren’t that great. Who needs those jerks anyways? 🙂

So I made my own OMG SUPAR 1337 NOTBUK!!!!1111sixty and put down a list of predictions for the future.

I’m sure many of you will disagree with many of the things I’m going to go out on a limb with, and I realize that this post is very much speculation. Just take into account that I’m not as good as the Bombers are!

PS3

Yes, I know I’m talking about a non-Nintendo thing, but let’s face it; no matter how far removed Nintendo is from the competition, Sony and Microsoft affects what will happen with Nintendo. So…

In March, the PS3 should come out in Japan, achieving their expected launch date for spring 2006 (even though March is still mostly winter, but I won’t even get into that one).
Sometime in Q3, UMD sales will begin to fall. Yes, I know that so far 8.2 million UMDs have been bought since the PSP came out; when you compare that number with the 15 million DVDs the movie The Incredibles sold just in the first half of this year, not to mention the rest of the movies on that list in addition to that, I honestly do not think that UMD can continue being sold separately from DVDs, especially at the ridiculous price they’re being sold at not to mention the gradual reduction of cost of both DVD players and portable DVD players. (I got one for Christmas this year; it only cost $60 after rebate.) However, if Sony begins selling UMDs along with DVDs, even if it costs $5 more, then UMD will be able to do well.
Sometime in Q4, my guess is November, the PS3 will finally be released State-side. Unknown when it will hit Europe, but if they’re having a three-quarter difference in releasing it in Japan and the US… sorry, Europe. Looks like 2007 for you. As far as a price point, it would be smart for Sony to hit US$350, but I don’t think they can considering how much new hardware they’re floating; they would easily lose money on the console. (However, it’s been done before.) Look for it to be $400 at the very least, more likely $450. $500 is also a possibility, but I wouldn’t expect it to be more than that.

XBox 360

Q1 will see the 360 getting back on its feet after initial problems with manufacturing, distribution, and quality control. The 360 will be a hot item regardless of shortages and overheating problems, so don’t get your hopes up for Billy-boy going down just yet. Once version 1.1 comes out, what should have been the initial adoption wave in November and December will take place a few weeks afterwards. Sales will probably be down late in Q1 as the price will remain high after the “first wave” and well into the year.
Beginning in April, begin looking for signs of a second wave of gamers. Since the US$299 and $399 prices are pretty high, it’ll take a bit of time before the not-so-hardcore gamers adopt it.
If the end of Q2 is good for Microsoft, then Sony should be concerned; if the 360 isn’t adopted well, Sony will have a good future. Pretty much, this is the Go/No-Go gate for Microsoft and Sony. I believe that this generation will work a lot like the PS2/XBOX generation; one will do extremely well, while the other will only do moderately well.
Look for Microsoft to drop the price of the XBOX 360 by $20-50 when the PS3 comes out late in the year.

Revolution

Expect Nintendo to publish small tidbits of information in February or March. They need to keep the hype for Revolution high through Q1 since 360 is already in the marketplace. In fact, I would expect a better grasp of the release date and/or the final name to be revealed in this timeframe.
This one we know; in May, Nintendo is doing something exciting at E³, and they’re not telling us what. They’re pitching this well in advance, so who knows what’s up with it. We know that they’ll be promoting some super-secret feature about the Revolution. What that is, who knows?
Personally, I’m figuring that Nintendo might pull a fast one and go for a worldwide release of the Revolution come Q3. I would expect September, possibly October. They’ll already be behind Sony in Japan, but Nintendo is second there already, so that isn’t much of a threat; however, doing this would 1-up the PS3 here. If Nintendo did that and 360 does well, Sony could be in major trouble, especially if Revolution’s price point is low, especially considering this non-scientific poll. The lowest it could possibly be is US$100, but I don’t believe it will go for that. I predict $150 with a maximum of $200.

Nintendo DS

I’m not expecting anything major to happen to happen in DS-land, but I reckon we’ll get a couple of things going:

Come late Q1 or early Q2, I think you should expect to see a new color DS come out. So far, we’ve got silver and blue along with aqua and red being part of package deals. I’d jump out and guess that we’ll see a forest green one, but considering the colors they choose tend to be colors I don’t want, maybe we’ll see orange or yellow!
I think by the end of Q4, the DS will experience an advent in gaming. I think you’ll start getting a good number of heavy-hitting RPGs for the DS, and I’d also look for a lot of online Wi-fi games to come out as well. I think DS will enjoy a great Christmas season.

The Legend of Zelda

We’re still in limbo on a date, it seems. I expect this to be banished early this year. Expect by the end of February to hear a final release date (or at least a target month) for Twilight Princess.
When do I think it’s going to come out? April or May. Reggie is saying April, but I think there’s a chance that they’ll hit after E³ since they can generate a lot of easy hype at the conference. As usual, the price will be the standard game price, US$50.
At E³, expect to hear something about the next Zelda game after Twilight. My hunch is that it will be for the DS. Expect them to be mum about a Zelda for Revolution.
If they announce a Zelda for the DS at E³, I reckon a good release date for it would be November or December.

Tingle

You might notice that everyone’s favorite evil “Sith Lord” doesn’t have anything scheduled for this year. That’s because I’m predicting that Twilight Princess will not have Tingle anywhere within it. I also don’t expect to see the Tingle RPG released State-side; that’ll be a Japan exclusive. Now they may include Tingle on a DS title, and I’d give the odds about 50-50, but being that I’m wary about that even coming out in ‘06, well… we’ll see…

That New Hyrulian Math

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All right, class, I know you’re going to hate me for this, but put away your textbooks, get out your quill and roll of parchment, and number your paper one through four. It’s time for a mathematics pop quiz. Ready? No? Well, suck it up and here we go:

For a child under the age of 15, what is 99 + 1?
For an adult, what is 200 + 1?
For a Goron, what is 500 + 1?
(Extra credit) If everyone in the world lives in caves, how much is 255 + 1?

Time’s up! Let’s see how you did. If you got 99, 200, 500, and 255, you get an A. Missed one? That’ll float you a C. Worse than that? You’re telling me some of you failed this thing? Oh come on now, this quiz is easy. None of you should’ve failed this! This is Hyrulian Mathematics 101! Well, I guess you all need a review, so let’s start with a story problem.

Let’s assume that ® is the symbol for rupees. Now, child Link is wandering through the forest with 99® in his wallet. He finds a green rupee on the ground and picks it up. How many rupees does he have now? If you said 99, you’re spot on. 99 + 1 = 99.

Not fair, you say? Trick question, you say? You bet.

The wallet systems throughout the Zelda games have never been perfect, although the further back you go, the better they were. It’s almost disheartening to say it, but the economic system of the original Legend of Zelda was one of the best economic systems I’ve seen in Zeldadom. The number of things up for sale that need to be purchased to beat the game—all of which at varying sale prices based upon locale, no less—is sufficient to teach the value of saving money to a child. The cheap shields are on the other side of the map and cost this much, but the more expensive shield is much closer. Is it worth the trek to the other side of the map? You bet. Back then, with a limit of 255® (minus the rupees you plan to use for arrows), you had to be thrifty in everything you did. You have to save up for that ring (which set you back 250 dead kings). You had to shop around to find the goods at their cheapest values. You had to find the ubiquitous old man when he was in a good mood (not when he was demanding payment for door repair—ahem, what door? I burned a BUSH to get in.). You had to get those double-shot life potions from time to time. You had to go rupee farming over in the graveyard constantly. And you had to keep a good nest egg around for that bow of yours.

I make it sound really bad, but don’t take this for criticism. Part of this had to do with the technology back then. Back in the days of yore when Billy-boy thought 64K of memory ought to be enough for everyone (ha!), every byte of space was valuable. They couldn’t waste valuable disk (or cartridge) space . For those wondering why the magic number was 255, it’s the maximum number you can represent in a byte of memory, namely 2⁸ – 1. They had to be so stingy with memory that they couldn’t spare a second byte for money… or even another byte for arrows! Two hundred fifty-five rupees ought to be enough for everybody! (Thankfully, we can all agree today that gigabytes are wonderful creatures.) But beyond the techy mumbo-jumbo, gamers ate this up. It was a challenge, not needless scavenging. There were areas of the game that dropped tons of rupees, and all one needed to do was get there and begin hacking monsters. Most of the time, you didn’t have to worry about it, but when you just died AGAIN in Level Six and needed another potion, well, being broke hit you hard.

Link to the Past upped the ante to 999® (the interface being limited to three digits), and this pretty much was sufficient until you were going to the Fountain of Wishes to get more bombs and arrows. After all, elsewise the nastiest purchases (for savvy shoppers, of course) were the Zora’s Flippers at 500® and maybe a few blue potions, and those purchases never overlapped one another. Link’s Awakening, however, sucker-punched us when we had to buy our own bow for 980®. It was painful when, in the middle of a dungeon, you reached the 999-marker before buying the bow. All those extra rupees in the treasure chests were wasted until you got out to get it. Of course, you could bypass the whole rupee problem and pilfer the bow, but no one likes a thief, you dirty, rotten, lousy bow-stealer.

However, Link’s Awakening only pulled that trick once. The real “tragedy” was when Ocarina came, and along with it for the ride was the most atrocious monetary system ever in the Zelda empire, the 99-200-500 system. I have yet to figure out just why they thought this was a good idea, and I have two reasons for my confusion.

First, let’s assume that our wallets are NOT bags of holding. (Sure, Link does carry a lot of stuff behind his back. But bags of holding implies Infinite Rupeeland exists, but since 99 < ∞ even in Hyrule, well… you get the idea.) Now imagine plucky young Link wandering around with his 99® wallet, and he goes around collecting nothing but green rupees. He gets 99 of those crystally thingies in a bag, and that’s it. That’s all the wallet can hold. (Let’s not even go into the physics of how big that bag would be, much less how big the Goron wallet would have to be. We’re pretending.) Now, Link then replaces each green rupee in the wallet with a blue rupee? Contents of the bag? 99®. Wait… what? Yes, ninety-nine rupees of beer in the bag, ninety-nine rupees of beer. You put one in, shake it around, ninety-nine rupees of beer in the bag. The extra is completely gone. This doesn’t even begin to consider what happens if I shoved in the red, purple, silver, or gold rupees scattered throughout Hyrule. This wallet will not hold more than 99 rupees, and the leftovers? The elusive, invisible, and invincible Wallet-Monster eats everything beyond that. (Now THAT is something Ganon could take over the world with!)

Second, and this carries off of the first point, what in the world do we honestly have to buy anyways? The biggest purchase we have to make in the game is the Hylian Shield at 80® (less with the discount). Unless you’re Crocodile Hunter Skulltula Hunter, you still have the 99® sack at that point. That’s nearly your life savings to date in one shot! Then you get the 200® bag later after you’ve bought the shield, most likely after Dodongo’s Cavern, and then you’re living high on the hog. But what do you do with your rupees then? You don’t have to buy your tunics (those are free); Deku sticks, arrows, and bombs are a-plenty… The only purchasable commodity you have to worry about are potions… and guess what, they supplanted that with free fairies. Back in LttP, you had a choice; either you get your auto-life fairies for seven hearts only, or you shelled out the money for a full-life (or full-everything) potion. By a show of hands, who here has ever bought a red potion in Ocarina or Majora? Those of you who have, how stupid did you feel when you realized you were getting ripped off? I rest my case. Even if you HAD bought a potion, the blue ones are a mere 60®. That ain’t gonna break the bank. Simply put, you don’t need money after the Hylian Shield. So why bother upgrading it… or even limiting it to 99® in the first place?

Wind Waker was slightly less a disaster, yet it was bad nevertheless for an entirely different reason. This time, the economies of scale tended to mess up players. Instead of 99-200-500, you had 200-1K-5K, but for those of us who didn’t immediately go for both wallet upgrades at the beginning of the game (and thus capped ourselves at 200 or 1,000® for a prolonged amount of time), when we get Tingle’s final tab of 3,385® (that’s 398® for each of the 8 Triforce maps plus the 201® C.O.D. charge for his IN-credible Map, all of which highway robbery), players can’t afford the bill, and so they have to go farm the islands for rupees when they could have been collecting them the entire game. You rarely see the 5K® mark as is in the game (all because of that greedy son of a fairy), and so what is the point of the 200- and 1K-rupee bags? They’re wastes of disk space, especially considering the prevalence of the blue 5s, yellow 10s, and red 20s in the game. Two hundred rupees is NOT difficult to come across.

When you add to this system with the fact that there are no banks, no savings accounts, no cashier’s checks, no credit cards, no debit cards, and no checkbooks… Link’s retirement will be forever linked to the poor house. (Yes, I know Majora had a bank. How many times did you accidentally Song of Time back to day one without saving your rupees in the bank? Thought so.)

Wallet upgrades need to be abandoned. Simply put, they’re illogical, inconvenient, and can easily be replaced with a more thorough economy system (a la 500-rupee Zora Flippers). While I hate to say that the only games that did a fine job of nailing this were the earliest Zelda games (and the Capcom titles, even more painstaking to admit), reverting to that system would be better than what we have now. Better yet, don’t cap us at some rupee limit that’s easy to get to.

Next week, class, I will teach you how to complain to your parents that your allowance isn’t enough.

Zelda’s #1 in Nintendo Power Top 200

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It looks like Zelda is at it again! In this years Nintendo Power Top 200, Eight Zelda games took a stand for Nintendo, this is a great achievement, and it truly reflects the quality of the overall series

Zelda and the Revolutionary Controller?

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NGC, a popular magazine in the UK, recently had an article touching on Twilight Princess. Interestingly enough the article said that while Twilight Princess was still a Gamecube game, playing the game on the Revolution would allow the new controller to be used. Exactly how this would work was not touched upon. However, bonuses like

I am Not a Womanizer

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As a quick aside before the metafiction*, my lawyers have obligated that I mention the following:

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: This post has been known to cause cancer in laboratory Cuccos. This post may not be good for your health and contains the chemical mockery dramatica, which can cause nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, prolonged sickness, and blindness. Please read with caution.

That said, if you’re convinced this post may be right for you, enjoy.

* Metafiction (noun) – Fiction, especially fanfiction, that physically breaks the rules and laws governing the world were the fiction takes place and transcends into the “real world” (also known as breaking the fourth wall), mixing elements from the real world and the fictional world into one. Not to be confused with A/U (alternate universe).

~~~

It was Saturday night, and the last remnants of the sunlight soon would be fading from view. It was going to be the perfect night, Link knew. Most of his friends from high school would soon be over for the end of the year party, and they were going to set off the night with a bang. Link looked through the rooms of his home, and saw that everything was in order. The food was on the table, the decorations were up, and the TV was tuned to Rauru Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.

With everything in order, and it still being fifteen minutes shy of six o’clock, Link found himself with nothing left to do. It had been a long time since that had happened considering all of the tests that had been shoved upon him in the last days of school before the break, the last-minute Christmas shopping, and the oodles of holiday meals he had been forced to attend with family. With a moment finally just to himself, Link bounded upstairs to his room and flipped on the computer, booting up with the famous Door of Time XP operating system. In a moment, Link was into his E-mail, and to his horror, what should have been the perfect night slowly began to unravel.

“‘Hey Link,’” Link said, reading the mail aloud. It was from Darunia, one of his good friends, and ironically one of only two other guys Link had bothered to invite to the party. Most of the other guys at school were boring chaps with very little to say, and they tended to repeat themselves whenever Link spoke to them, as if speaking down to Link as though he couldn’t understand. It drove Link crazy.

Link continued reading, this time in silence. “I’m writing to let you know that I can’t make it tonight. The other Link, you know, the third grader I’m mentoring in Big Gorons Big Zoras program? Well, his family invited me over for New Year’s, so I can’t make it tonight. But that’s not why I’m writing, really.

“Are you aware that the kids at school are saying things about you behind your back? None of our friends, so don’t jump to conclusions, but you know the random people in the hallways who stare at us as we pass by in the halls? It’s them. They’ve made an entire website about you… and all of us! It’s crazy! I thought I would point you to some of them. Read this one here; it’s the ‘best’ one of the lot …”

Link was horrified by the information, but it was far from what he should have felt. He followed the link to the website Darunia had mentioned, and lo and behold, the atrocity of a story about himself appeared before his eyes. There it was in the text; someone had indeed written about him, as well as several of his friends, but Link was the “star” here. Oh he was quite the star, appearing to be the role of a complete moron with a penchant for the ladies. He looked at the other links, and they went from bad to worse. In each one of the sultry fictions, Link managed to seduce this woman or that woman, sometimes failing to do so because of obvious inexperience, sometimes succeeding in achieving the only goal his mind could possibly have, to get into some girl’s pants. It made Link want to bleed at the eyes, and his stomach lurched at the accusations.

“Hello!? Li-iiiink!?” came a sing-songy voice. Link finally pulled away from the computer screen and turned to see his best friend Zelda standing in the doorway. Link looked at the clock briefly; five minutes to six, early as usual. She could always be counted on for that primness and promptness; she was always a harsh stickler to the rules of societal etiquette. It was hardly a surprise that she was wearing the clothes a businessman would wear; formality was big with her. “Here I come, expecting to find a party, and what do I find? You stuck on the computer like some nerd!” Her tone was jovial and hardly accusatory, yet it managed to get on Link’s nerves regardless, and his face darkened visibly, a fact Zelda managed to notice. “Oh c’mon, I was joking, and you should know that. Let’s head downstairs and get this party started.”

“It’s too late. The night is completely ruined.”

“Whatever are you talking about, Link? Yesterday you were so eager to have this thing, and now look…”

“Just take a look, Zel.” Link scooted over on his chair, offering Zelda half of the seat.

Zelda sighed yet took Link’s generous offer, staring at the stories that had been written about Link. She read through them silently, without uttering a word, her passiveness almost agitating. She would pass through page after page of it, finishing each without comment. Finally after finishing, she merely shrugged her shoulders. “So?”

“What do you mean, ‘So?’” Link said loudly, his anger rising. “They’re making up stories about me!”

“Whoop-de-doo. Who cares about what everyone else thinks, Link? It’s not like anyone else matters! You’re a senior in high school, for Nayru’s sake! You’re telling me you’re still worried about what the other kids think about you?”

“No!”

“Then act like it.”

“But, but…”

Thankfully, Link was saved another scolding from Zelda, for at that moment, the rest of his friends had arrived and were already noisily bounding their way up the stairs. Within moments, Ruto, Malon, Ganondorf, and Navi were all in Link’s room, oohing mockingly about Link and Zelda being in the same room together, to which Zelda gave a stiff cold shoulder.

“HEY, guys!” Navi had said in a high-pitched squeal. “So LISTEN, you two have just got to get back together and get married some day! Come on, show us a little kiss, huh huh huh?” Zelda and Link just rolled their eyes in unison and, once again, annoyed Navi’s suggestion.

Wondering what was keeping them occupied in front of the computer, Link pointed them to the stories.

“Ahahaha!” cried Ganondorf as he read them. “That is hilarious! You’re a womanizer, Link!”

“I am not a womanizer!” Link said defensively.

“Oh that’s a bunch of bull, Link!” Ganondorf said. His voice calmed down slightly, the laughter gone, but he was still visibly amused. “Almost all of your friends are girls! And you’ve dated a good several of them! Of course everyone is going to think that!”

“But it’s not tr—”

“Oh Din,” Malon suddenly muttered, her eyes glued to the screen. “I’m in here too. Look at this one.” She pointed to a new window on the screen, showing list of stories written depicting her as a selfish woman who was nearly constantly green with envy. “I’m not like this at all!” she said. “I don’t get jealous whatsoever! Especially not over Link! What are these people talking about!?”

“We’re all in here,” realized Navi, who was already reading another window that Malon had made for her. “And apparently I’m some annoying nag… and oh stars… I have a crush on Link too. I mean…” she quickly backpedaled, “here… in the story… Link… marriage… thing…” In an instant she ran out of the room and into the bathroom.

“And I’m a pompous and arrogant jerk apparently,” said Ruto in a blatant huff. “The nerve of them doing that. I’m going to tell Mumsy and Dadsy when I get home, and they’ll take care of those nasty baby-heads for me. Hmph!”

“Look here, Ganny,” Link suddenly said, almost having a good time now that other people were getting razzed on as well. Ganondorf, so far, had been paying no attention to what had been going on, still humoured over the stories about Link. However, in a moment, his ears were perched on Link’s every word. “Here’s some really bad story about you being this complete bully, bossing everyone around. He doesn’t do any of that, does he, guys?”

“You shut up!” he said, and in lightning movement, Ganondorf shoved Link off the chair to read the story. “That is a complete crock! How dare those morons write that stuff about me! They will pay for having done that… oh yes they will.”

“Honestly,” Zelda piped in once more, her voice still admonishing in tone, “I don’t see why you care. It’s complete and utter nonsense. Just blow those guys off.”

“I think you’ll think differently, princess,” Ganondorf said, “when you see that they’ve called you some transvestite male who is into guy-love. Oh man, that one just isn’t right… My eyes…”

“WHAT!?” Zelda stormed once again to the computer, reading the latest story. “For the love of Nayru, what does it matter that I dressed up for Halloween as a guy for seven years in a row!? And I don’t exactly like wearing a dress either, so who would dare have the gall to call me a boy!? That’s it, guys, we’re all going to take them down. Right now. We have names, we have a school directory… those guys are going to pay. Let’s go get them!”

“Right!” they all cried, at least everyone except Link and Malon. Suddenly, it was Zelda leading the charge, leading the lot down the stairs and out the door, as if she were guiding a host of heroes onwards to some sort of gallant quest to defeat the six monsters who had taken over their lives.

Link and Malon watched blankly as everyone else left the house in a frenzied rage. Honestly, it was New Year’s Eve, and they were supposed to be celebrating. Stunned into silence, the barely moved a muscle for the better part of a minute, still coming to grips with the grim events of the evening.

Finally, Link shrugged, deciding it wasn’t worth complaining about. He looked over to Malon, a smile coming to his lips. “So… Mal… you want to go make out?”

Malon turned to Link, and a sly smile came to her lips as well. Finally, Zelda, no longer will you be able to tell me you know Link better because you went out with him a long time ago! “Okay, I’m game.”

“Well then, babe, come to Linky-bear.”

~~~

Remember kids, only you can prevent fanfiction fires.

Tri The Force, Luke

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With the exception of the Four Swords series and the more tangential Zelda games (like Awakening and Majora), the centre of the Zelda universe—the common bond (aside from Link) that ties everything together—of course, is the Triforce. You’ve got three sacred equilateral triangles of pure gold, but that’s not the big part of it.

Tingle RPG, Wherefore Art Thou?

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It seems that in the Zelda world, there is always something going on. In the past few weeks, there have been a bit of a slow down in news, a slow down to a stop. This is mainly because of the news we’ve been getting about the Revolution, and the fact that no Spanish websites have made up any news yet! However, this article will be discussing the Tingle RPG.

So, Tingle RPG, wherefore art thou? You seemed to have appeared briefly, once, in Famitsu, and then you seemed to die away. This makes me sad. I like to know about games like this, even if it is only for a second. I mean, seriously, there are some things about games that many people don’t ever know about. Yet, with the Tingle RPG, the entire planet knew for a few days and then you seemed to drop off the face of the Universe.

If you do a search for Tingle RPG, you’ll get next to no new information (you’ll also see Rauru’s Return in Sixth place!). If you go to Nintendo Japan, and try and wade your away through the masses of foreign information on the website, there will be nothing new there either.

Am I alone in wanting to know what’s going on with this? I have predicted for many a month now, that the game will not be released outside of Japan, as it’d fail miserably. However, the fact that there is no news at all makes me feel like they’ve stopped production of this game. If this is so, then why have they not announced it? Furthermore, why have they not attacked us with more information if it is coming out? Famitsu tends to be great with information like this; after all, they were the people that told us about the Pikmin E-Cards.

I don’t know to be honest with you, this does not seem like a promising sign to me at all. As much as a loath the idea of cheapening the Zelda series like this, I’d like to see more information about its cancellation or creation. Silence is just the worst.

Four Things You (Might Have) Never Noticed in TWW and What They Mean

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The Wind Waker is not unique among other Zelda games for the vast number of easter eggs present within it. However, if one is to consider that every bit of information presented in the Zelda games has some element of canonicity, and therefore, plays a role in Hyrulian history, then these easter eggs must not just be taken at face value. More than just mere easter eggs, the following four items are important bits of Hyrulian history–windows into the events of The Wind Waker and future-placed games–that demand further inspection. In this article, I will do just that.

The Writing on Phantom Ganon’s Sword

Take a look at a the sword of Phantom Ganon cropped by the official art piece of him:

Notice the writing on the sword, which when translated from the Ancient Hylian to Japanese, and then to Romanized lettering it spells out in six groups of letters “ZUBORAGABORA.” That’s right: the smiths of that blade, apparently, are none other Zubora and Gabora, of the Mountain Smithy in Termina.

As far as we know the smithies and Ganon’s phantasmal familiar never came into contact, but there are still two possibilities that they may have.

The first involves the fact that we know that Phantom Ganon can traverse dimensions, at least through the power of his master, Ganondorf himself. Consider the following quote from Ocarina of Time by Ganondorf (speaking of Phantom Ganon):

What a worthless creation that
ghost was! I will banish it to
the gap between dimensions!!

As such, is it not feasible that Phantom Ganon could have traveled to Termina, another dimension, and purchased the sword from the smithy pair? The other possibility is that dimensional travel is not necessarily in play, but rather Phantom Ganon contact Zubora and Gabora’s Hyrulian counterparts and received the sword from them. If Termina is a reflection of Hyrule, then like many of the characters of the former, they should serve as representations of people from the latter.

Nevertheless, in either case, there must surely have been some sort of contact between Phantom Ganon and Zubora and Gabora. Otherwise, how would that signature have appeared on the sword? Or, maybe this issue is being over complicated, and the sword was simply forged by the pair and found its way into Phantom Ganon’s hands.

The Menu of Windfall Cafe

In the Cafe on Windfall island, there is a drink menu listing the beverages available for purchase. The menu is written in Ancient Hylian, and the items are as follows:¹

Lon Lon Milk, for 150 Rupees.
Deku Nut Cake, for 300 Rupees.²
Zora Coffee, for 250 Rupees.

But what is so shocking about a drink menu? Noticing the last line translated, one may see the item “Zora Coffee”. The fact that there is such a beverage available on the Great Sea means that knowledge of the Zora’s existence is still somewhat known, and that said race may still have existed on the sea up until that point.

The Previous Denizens of the Forsaken Fortress

When first arriving at the Forsaken Fortress aboard Tetra’s Pirate Ship, Tetra remarks of the dire-looking place,

There are all sorts of strange rumors about this place. What I do know is that long ago, it used to be a hideout of a no-good group of pirates we used to compete with… But they were just small-time. Now, the place looks like it’s pretty dangerous.

Now, that quote may seem innocuous enough, but the mystery deepens when Link visits Ganondorf’s lair in the Fortress and enters his personal cabin. Before actually triggering the cinema of the meeting between the two characters, if the player peeks inside the room, they’ll notice on the far wall two ornamental shields bearing a familiar eye and tear drop design.

That’s right, those shields bear the mark of the Sheikah people, the shadow folk of Kakariko Village who served as protectors of the Hyrulian Royal Family. Now, what is so important about these two seemingly unconnected items is that they point to the following conclusion: the Sheikah and the Hyrulian Royal Family experienced a split some time between Ocarina of Time and the Wind Waker, and afterwards were not allies but rivals. It’s especially interesting that both groups became pirates. But, the question remains—how did this split occur, what precipitated it, and what did it mean for the future?

Unfortunately, the answers to the first two questions have been lost to Hyrulian history. The third question, however, is easily answered. If one is to accept the chronology of TDC, then it is apparent that the split had long-standing effects. After the Great Flood, we never again see the Sheikah either in large numbers (though, it is true we had never seen that before), and more importantly we never see the Sheikah in the service of the Royal Family again.³

Clearly, a very important event had occurred that led to the split between the once tightly-knit groups, making one easy slaughter for Ganondorf’s dark magic, and the other vulnerable to future attack.

The Portrait of Zelda’s Mother

In the many games of the Zelda series, we have encountered numerous male relatives of Princess Zelda, be they her brother, father, or even distant greatⁿ grandfather. Yet, despite the vastness and diversity of gender that such an expansive family tree would demand, somehow the only female Hyrule (ie. member of the House of Hyrule) we have seen is the Princess herself, and none other!

Now, this has changed, somewhat, thanks to a much-overlooked easter egg (if one can call it that) in The Wind Waker. Behold, as you will, Zelda/Tetra’s mother. This was the woman who carried the tradition and knowledge of the Royal Family’s piece of the Triforce and passed it down to her daughter before her own untimely death (perhaps at Ganondorf’s hands), ultimately forgoing an actual explanation as to what the magical artifact was, and leaving that little detail to the extrapolations of the King of Red Lions.⁴

Unfortunately, other than the image of this mysterious woman, we know nothing else of her. It is a pity, because there was so much unsaid about the Royal Family’s descendants on the Great Sea.

If you would like to view this portrait for yourself, you can find it aboard Tetra’s Pirate Ship, in Tetra’s bedroom.

Footnotes

1. Please note that these translations were done for The Desert Colossus by Stefan. Many thanks to him for his help.
2. This particular translation was provided to me by a wonderful reader, Erin, who emailed me. Many thanks to her!
3. In future-placed Zelda games, such as the Oracle series and Legend of Zelda, a woman named Impa does serve Princess Zelda. Though, it is not readily clear she is a Sheikah or just a coincidentally named Hylian female.
4. The image of Zelda’s mother was provided by Kamakaziplumber. Many thanks to him!

Or, far more likely, these are all just easter eggs and bits of fan service from Nintendo. But where’s the fun in that?

Most Famous (Infamous) Dungeons

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Ocarina had it, Waker didn’t have enough of it, and fans can’t get enough of it. No, I’m not talking about being free of Tingle! I’m talking about dungeons! Not surprisingly, the dungeons are the life-blood of the Zelda games; they’re the parts that make us rack our heads about how to get onto the other side of that locked door… or how to climb up to that cliff. They’re the most challenging part of the Zelda game. Yet interestingly enough, they’re often the least talked about parts of the game. Everyone talks about timelines and shipping and blah blah blah blah blah. All of that is the speculation stuff. The most we ever talk about dungeons is the occasional Internet poll of “which dungeon do you like best?”

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane and take a look at some of the most interesting, the most original, the best designed, and yes, the most evil dungeons out there.

Deadliest Dungeon—Level Six, LoZ: Move over Shadow Temple. For those of you old-schoolers and for those of you who got to torture yourselves over the Collector’s Edition, you know precisely what I’m talking about. This dungeon had you restarting over and over and over again the first time you played it, and even after the first time, it’s no walk in the park. Wizzrobes (especially the blue variety) back in the day were tough as nails, nothing like today’s variety (they just don’t make enemies like they used to), and getting past them was a feat and a half, even with your obligatory 68-rupee red potion! The runner up, as I’m sure those who’ve played it will agree, is the Great Palace from AoL; those who’ve managed to see the end of AoL are quite possibly some of the most dedicated Zelda fans.
Most Convoluted Dungeon—Ice Palace, LttP: This dungeon is the deepest dungeon in Zelda history at an impressive seven basements. What would seem like a straightforward plunge into the earth, however, gets complicated as you have to backtrack from B4 back up to B1 just to get the boss key, and then later from B6 back up to B4 back down to B6 just to get to the boss. (Of course, you could cheat and go to Misery Mire first to get the Cane of Somaria, and most players did, but they killed off that shortcut in the GBA version, forcing you to take the long way around.)
Most Confusing Dungeon—Level Nine, LoZ: Very few dungeons in the history of Zelda have teleporters that warp you all over the map; fewer still strictly rely upon this for the difficulty of the dungeon! In Nine, you have no idea where you are, even if you’re lucky enough to have found the map of the dungeon. Tied for this is Level Nine of LoZ’s second quest which has so many one-way doors, invisible doors, and sometimes both that you’ll start testing each of the four walls the moment you enter a room.
Most Unique Dungeon—Stone Tower Temple, MM: Just when you think the dungeons of Majora couldn’t get any more messed up, halfway into the final dungeon, the dungeon flips upside down, and you find yourself walking on the ceiling with the sky below your feet. The strange sights are enough to give you a sense of vertigo, especially when you have to flip the dungeon several times to make your way through, not to mention getting the illustrious 15^th fairy.
Most Beautiful Dungeon—Forest Temple, OoT: If you’re like me, the moment you stepped into the interior courtyards of the Forest Temple, your eyes went all aglow with the marvelous wonders you found there. It definitely was a magnificent sight, and the fresh green grass and ivy-covered stone walls allow the fiercest of heroes a chance to take a break, pull out his picnic basket, and take a well-deserved rest.
Cruelest Dungeon—Spirit Temple, OoT:MQ: Master Quest had a good couple of tricks up its sleeve when you start traversing the dungeons through an entirely different path than you ever thought possible, but the worst part of all is when you’ve finished the child-half of the temple, gone through half of the adult-side, and then you step on a switch that causes a treasure chest to appear through a hole that only child Link can go through. If this were a high school reunion, this version of the Spirit Temple would easily win Dungeon that Made Link Travel the Furthest.
Most Innovative Dungeon—Mermaid’s Cave, OoA: The dungeon was neat because it was broken into two major sections, but unlike other two-part dungeons like LttP’s Ganon’s Tower, this one spanned time. You had to have two keys to open up the two halves, and you couldn’t fully explore the present half of the dungeon until you activated some trigger in the past. Sounds like messing with the mind of the guy in Ocarina’s windmill, eh?
Most Annoying Dungeon—Jabu Jabu’s Belly, OoA: Many people would claim that the Water Temple from Ocarina was worse, but make no mistake about it. (Don’t worry; we’re saving the Water Temple for later!) At least controlling the water level in that dungeon could be done by cycling through several areas of the dungeon. In this dungeon, not only was the water level NEVER at the right spot, but there was a single room that provided the master controls to playing with the water, meaning that you went through the five or six rooms just before the master control room thirty or forty times just to find what you were looking for. Talk about annoying! Just as annoying as that Evil Purple Dinosaur of Doom.
Dungeon with the Biggest Puzzle—Earth Temple, WW: Despite being underground, light still managed to find its way into the deep crevasses of the Earth Temple. Of course, it quickly became a recurring theme, and light was needed just about anywhere Link could possibly shine it—that is, Link or Medli could shine it. The final mirror room forced Link and Medli to shine a beacon of light off of about 10 mirrors just so that a single door would open, and often Medli would need to stand in one place, shine light off of her lyre, and then have Link redirect it to where it was needed. That’s a puzzle!
Most Hated Dungeon—Water Temple, OoT: I’ve never personally understood the hatred most players carry for this place, but I think a lot of it has to do that the dungeon design was fundamentally different from any other dungeon in the past; you had to think completely in 3D. Narrow vertical shafts carried Link between multiple floors, and the most likely way to find yourself in a random room was to tunnel from above or below to get to it. It is easily the dungeon that has extracted the most ire from all of the Zelda games combined.

Well? What do you think?

Or Will Darkness Reign

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There’s been a lot of speculating and postulating about the plot of Twilight Princess over the past few months. Back at E³ 2005, we found out a huge bit of plot about what’s going on in the state of Hyrule during Twilight, but surprising as it may be to say it, that only brought more questions than answers. We know about the Twilight Realm slowly eating away at Hyrule, and we know about Princess Zelda cloaking herself in her funeral shroud warding away the poisonous air, but why is Link able to survive it? What magic is causing this to happen? Why is this happening? And just how are we going to turn back the tide?

We are even fortunate enough to know the tentative placement of Twilight in the overall timeline—should you happen to believe in timeline stuffs. It’s supposed to go after Ocarina and Majora yet before Wind Waker. As everyone who has played the game knows, between these two points in time, all Evil Realm breaks loose, and Hyrule is locked away, the Great Sea filling in above it. Thus, many speculate, it makes sense therefore that Twilight is supposed to end with this inevitable result that the hero will fail in his quest, that evil will win the day, and Hyrule will flood in the final moments of the game.

Could this possibly happen? Are we going to see tradition broken where the hero finally loses?

Before I try to answer that question, let’s take a good look at the context clues, shall we?

Everyone who knows Zelda at all should remember the E³ 2004 video which held those memorable words, “Blades will bleed. / Shields will shatter. / But as the light fades… / Will the hero rise again? / Or will darkness reign?” A year and a half ago, when this video came out, the images of these words flashing across the screen were quickly dismissed as a needless pontification. I’m sure most video game titles somewhere—whether in its game trailers, box text, manuals, strategy guides, you name it—inserted one of those phrases doubting whether or not the protagonist would live through the game. You know, something like, “OMG! The land is in trouble, and it is up to you, TEH HERO! Should you fail, the world shall perish!!!111one” Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.

Yet over a year later, everyone is now looking at these phrases in an entirely new light. This month’s issue (Dec 2005) of Nintendo Power has an interview with Takumi Kawagoe, the man responsible for many of the preview trailers for Nintendo. When questioned about the plot of Twilight, he answered, “…[N]otice that we dwelled—at just the perfect moment—on the gloomy image of Princess Zelda? Her dark melancholy is just as essential to the game experience. Personally, I hope that Zelda will liven up and regain her cheer by the end of the game, but I suspect that it may not be in Hyrule’s destiny this time around” (70). What wicked webs we weave; just reading those words are enough to send chills through my spine. The imagery here is so doom and gloom, and there is such a foreboding of failure in there; it’s almost scary to think about it.

So it’s really easy to see where the argument is coming from. The PR machine is in full force at Nintendo, placing this dark theme in the game, chugging away with the whole fatalistic ending, reinforcing it at every turn, and that should be the all the proof we need. Or is it?

Despite all of this, however, I think a lot of this is pure PR, plain and simple. I’m going to go out on a limb today with a prediction, and you can all hold this over my head come spring. (If I’m wrong, I’ll quit Zelda Blog you’re more than welcome to come back at me with all the I-told-you-so’s that you can hurl, and I promise I won’t shy away from them either!) Be it known that I do not believe that this game will turn out in such a way; I believe that Ganon(dorf) will once again be defeated and will have to go back to the drawing board once again.

“Why do you believe that, TML?” I hear you cry, to which I respond, “Quiet, you whippersnappers! I was about to explain myself already!” (Ahem.)

TML’s memory isn’t exactly the most efficient machine out there, but some days it works like a steel trap. I had thought I’d remembered a little titbit of information from a while ago, and after a little research, I found the very gem that I was looking for. Just before E³, 1UP posted an interview between Eiji Aonuma and a staffer at EGM, and they discussed the issue of light and dark in Twilight:

EGM: How would you describe this Zelda in relation to the others, besides just “realistic”? Will it be a darker game?

EA: What part of the game demo made you think this might be darker?

EGM: Well, it was more of an impression left by the two trailers. Like the dungeons, or where it’s in the woods, it’s raining and Link is fighting those Skeletal [sic] animals. And just the realistic graphics alone might make it seem darker or grittier…

EA: Actually, that’s not what this game was intended to be. In order to show good-looking bright action, we needed to feature darker aspects, to highlight—literally highlight—the lighter portions. That’s simply because the people [who chose what to put in the trailer] tended to choose the darker areas, and maybe as a result people have the impression that this is going to be a darker game.

EGM: So if it’s not “darker,” what words would you use to describe it yourself?

EA: [Long pause] It’s very hard to say. We’re not trying to make it a very dark game, despite that impression, but we are trying to create a big contrast. For example, it should sometimes be very dark, and other times very bright, so people can enjoy the sheer contrast. And as for the emotions, sometimes people will feel very sad, and sometimes very happy. Those kinds of contrasts are something that I always try to incorporate into a game. Unfortunately, there’s no one appropriate adjective yet. As always, we’re trying to make it a very mysterious game. And now that we’re going to make it photorealistic, I think that can intensify the mystery. (¶ 3-8)

There it is, straight from the horse’s mouth. Aonuma says that the game is dark, but not disproportionately so from the Zelda norm that we’ve grown to love over the past years. The only reason we get this impression of fatalism on Twilight’s part is from the trailers. Guess where our two previous quotes came from? The first was inserted into the trailer itself; the second was a quote from one of the very people who worked on the trailer. Coincidence? I think not.

So we’ve debunked the chance that these are guaranteed insights into the game, but the fact that the timeline still places us smack dab in the middle of Ocarina and Waker is still potentially troubling. Fear not, for I’ve got another trump card to play on this one. The opening scene to Wind Waker tells of the time period in which Twilight Princess is supposed to fall. Waker tells us that “…a day came when a fell wind began to blow across the kingdom. / The great evil that all thought had been forever sealed away by the hero / …once again crept from the depths of the earth, eager to resume its dark designs. / The people believed that the Hero of Time would again come to save them. / …But the hero did not appear.” Aonuma, now at the pilot’s seat for the Zelda series, is a stickler for timeline concerns; he’s the guy that wants to unite the Zeldaverse behind a single timeline, so if we’re at the point where evil has to win in Twilight, why then do we have Link? Sure, we can reason that perhaps Link isn’t the Hero of Time in this game, or perhaps the legends of the past have been twisted and distorted over the years, but I really don’t think that’s the case here. We’ve know that Link will make a valiant effort in beating back the Twilight Realm and that he’ll slowly restore more and more of Hyrule to its former glory late in the game, so it seems to me that Link can’t be completely disregarded in the legends. He deserves a mention, even if he failed. It wouldn’t be that “the hero did not appear,” but it would be that the hero appeared but failed in his quest. Aonuma, who values timeline, wouldn’t let a discontinuity as major as this slip past his radar screen.

Lastly, and here’s the killer question, are we as players honestly ready to have evil win the day? Given that the game is slated to be 70 hours in length, are we going to fight all this way, dedicate so much of our lives to this, and still be satisfied when, in the end, all of our work was for naught? Sure, such an ending would be an emotional experience, but, with a show of comments, how many of you actually come out of a movie ending with evil winning with this warm feeling in your stomach? Any time this happens, the first thought that comes to mind is that they’ll fix that in the inevitable sequel. Matrix Reloaded and (dare I mention it?) Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith both have sequels in which the plot inevitably ends have much brighter endings. Sure, we have Wind Waker to finish it off, but being that Twilight is supposed to be the “ultimate” Zelda experience, are we really going to be satisfied with Waker finishing off the legacy that this hypothetical Twilight would begin? Don’t get me wrong; I love Wind Waker. I merely find the thought of Twilight’s evil ending overshadowing the “good ending” of Waker a pinch irksome.

So there you have it, the case for a happy ending. I don’t think we’re ready for Ganon(dorf) winning just yet. However, do not misread what I’m saying here. Link or Zelda could very easily die in the last battle just after Ganon(dorf) is defeated or somewhere during the game; in fact, I would not be surprised were it to happen. Sure, the victory would be bittersweet, but it would nevertheless be a victory. I think, despite all the politicking that Nintendo is doing, trying to portray this darker element of Zelda, I don’t think we have to fear about the fate of Hyrule just yet. There may be moments of sadness or even tears coming out of Twilight, but I do believe that Ganon(dorf) won’t be as lucky as some of the pundits believe.

A.S.S.A. – Destroyer of Worlds

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Today I am writing on what is undoubtedly the most powerful weapon in the entire series. This weapon can quite easily be the plague of society, leveling complete cities and wiping out whole civilizations. “But what is this all powerful weapon?” you ask. The Hookshot? No. The Light Arrow? No. The Legendary Master Sword, Bane of all Evil? No.

The Boomerang from Link’s Awakening.

Surprising isn’t it. You would expect a weapon of such power to be at least a sword or something. But it isn’t. It’s this child’s toy found in a cave along the beach of Koholint Island. Yes it’s this boomerang that spells doom of people everywhere. That’s the topic of todays edition of A Somewhat Serious Article: DESTROYER OF WORLDS

First off, boomerangs have never been realistic in the Zelda games to start with. For one those stupid things can some how always find their way back to Link. It doesn’t matter if he moves or not. They always return to him.

Now I have tried throwing boomerangs before, both the two armed and three armed kind. For one, I have never gotten the distance that Link achieves in the games. Second of all, I can’t even throw it fast enough to stun a full grown Octocrok. And third, they don’t return to me if I move a few steps to the left or the right.

But again the world of Hyrule is a wonderful place, full of magic, fairies and great princes of evil. Therefore let’s overlook this curiosity and observe at how boomerangs would work normally in the Zelda world.

In the Zelda world, boomerangs when thrown will return to its owner no matter where he/she is. Boomerangs can target multiple objects on its own, and can somehow carry enough kinetic energy to stun a Moblin. And if there’s something like glass between Link and the said boomerang, it will some how still return to Link through it.

Enter Link’s Awakening. The boomerang in this game follows the typical Zelda rules. Returns to owner, stuns enemies, yadda yadda yadda. What is different is its attacking power.

If you’ve played the game, you’ll know. Take out the boomerang when fighting the shadow dudes in the Wind Fish Egg. On the last transformation, (The weird looking one) aim the boomerang for the middle and throw. Boom. Game Over.

That’s it. Interesting huh? Has there been a final boss in the history of the world that has been defeated that fast?

There hasn’t. At least not to my knowledge. That’s what makes this boomerang a Zelda curiosity. If you know your physics you’ll know that the boomerang has to travel the distance to the enemy, transfer enough energy to make a killing blow, and STILL have the kinetic energy, and momentum to return to Link.

Possible? No. First off, the formula for kinetic energy is E=(mv^2)/2

E = energy
m = mass
v = velocity

With that equation there are only two ways that the boomerang can be insanely stronger than say the boomerangs from LoZ or LTTP. The boomerang is either incredibly heavy (mass), or Link is throwing with the speed of a space shuttle (velocity). Judging by the game, I think we can eliminate both of these.

So then, how is the boomerang so incredibly strong? Magic? That is one option. However another question arises. How does the boomerang stun some enemies, and then manage to kill the final boss in one hit? No, I don’t think magic can be the answer here either.

To quote Sherlock Holmes, “when the impossible has been eliminated, the residuum, however improbable, must contain the truth.” Meaning, since we’ve found everything the boomerang can’t do, the last explanation must be correct no matter how crazy it is.

Since the boomerang isn’t super heavy, thrown super fast, and finally not magical, there is only one option left. The final boss is simply a wuss. That’s right, a wuss. A creature made of complete darkness that is able to take direct sword blows to the head. Yet this dinky little wooden boomerang kills him in one hit. Heck, I’ve been hit in the head with a boomerang before and survived. By all means, I should be the final boss of Link’s Awakening.

Of course, that’s not to say that the boomerang isn’t special in its own way. If Link throws it while flying (Holding on to a cucco) it simply orbits Link forever, attacking everything in its path. It’s probably the only weapon that when used like that, can attack cuccos forever. That in itself makes it a pretty strong weapon.

Also…..Spoiler warning for those who haven’t played Link’s Awakening yet.

I mean it; don’t keep reading unless you’ve finished the game.

Anyway, even if the boss is a wuss, that boomerang still killed him off. That allowed the Wind Fish to awaken, and send Link back to Hyrule, destroying Koholint in the process. So it is in reality, Super Boomerang “Destroyer of Worlds”.

But then why would such a powerful weapon be hidden in a place where reading a simple library book would tell you its location. Also, why would the guy in the cave be so willing to trade it for a shovel? Was he so isolated in that cave that he never discovered its planet crushing powers? And another thing, why was he in the cave in the first place?

Ahhh, the more I think about this, the more my head hurts. My brain is spinning trying to figure this out, and I can even feel my immune system shutting down. On top of that I think I’m coming down with a cold. A cold brought on by writing, A Somewhat Serious Article.